"I Can't Live by what I Feel

but by the truth Your word reveals." -Casting Crowns

Today I had one of those mornings. One of those mornings when you wake up and as soon as your feet hit the floor, your usual "enjoyment of God's grace is suddenly lessened by the memory of yesterdays sins and blunders." (apologies to Oswald Chambers)

Thanks Satan.

For those of you that don't believe in spiritual warfare, I am here to tell you it's real. Satan will use anything He can (especially our memory) to get us to doubt God's forgiveness and grace and shift our focus from Him to ourselves.

I wish that I could tell you that as soon as I heard the lies, I was able to shift my focus back on God's mercy and grace, but this was not the case. I started to beat myself up about this, but then remembered that God, being the compassionate loving guy He is, would continue to show me that its okay. This morning it was the first verse I read for the day,

"Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"

-Isaiah 43:18-19

When I read these words my soul awakened.

I have been forgiven, set free, and don't have to dwell on those things anymore. My penalty has already been paid- by blood -in full.

Case Dismissed.

God is awake

I have never understood why I can go for weeks, terrible weeks, feeling like I can't see God at all, to seeing Him in any and every situation. If God were not God, I would probably place the blame on Him. I would probably accuse Him of going into self mode and assume His disappearance was simply because He could not handle the mess of a person I am any longer with out a break, or that he was tired of dealing with my selfishness.

But God is God. And I know Him better than that.

So then if God is always around, The most obvious answer to our "lack of communication" is that it is my fault. I am the one who has either a) gone into self-mode, b) forgotten how to listen, c) gotten to busy for my savior, or d) treated my time with Him as another task to check off my “to do” list for the day.

My entire life I have been trained to use my mind to get information and complete assignments in the most timely manner possible. But the God revealed to me in scripture and in the person of Christ is infinitely personal, relational, and is not in a hurry. So Unless I make time to enter into His presence prepared to be quiet and listen, I am confident He will "disappear" again.

Another thing I have noticed during the periods of time when I don't make time for God, is that small little mishaps become tragedies. Literally. When I take my eyes of Christ, what He has done for me on the cross, and the reason He has placed me here (to serve Him through serving others), the daily drudgery and normality's of this thing called life turn into the end of my world. But when I am focused on Christ the way I should be, I see them for what they really are...ways God is making me more like Himself or is instilling the patience in me that I had prayed for the night before.

I came across this quote a few years back and have loved it ever since...

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. When you have finished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” -Victor Hugo

It reminds me that even in the times that God is unbearably silent and seems to have fallen asleep in the middle of a "major crisis", He is and always will be wide awake.

The Trouble with Life is that it is so Daily

If Rome could have been built in a day, it would have been done. But it couldn't.

The older I get, the more I realize that life takes time, its takes work, and ultimately it takes perseverance. Let's take college for example. How many people actually remember what they learned in school once they get out? Not many. To quote my dad, "College is proving to yourself, to others, and to our Lord that we are capable of finishing something that we started." Isn't it the same with our relationship with Christ? We have to pursue Him everyday and it takes time, it takes work, and ultimately it takes perseverance. But How often do I leave the house worried about the pressures of the day without spending more than 5 minutes with Him? What's sad about this is, I know and have experienced the reality that real and genuine life is ONLY found in the person of Jesus Christ, but instead of harboring this truth in my heart, I spend my day searching. Searching for that boy, that dress, that thing that will finally fill the void in my heart and make me whole. I love the way Ataris puts it in one of their songs,

"We spend our whole lives searching for

All the things we think we want
And never really knowing what we have."

The answer is inside of me.

" [That you may really come] to know the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge; that you may be filled unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!

Ephesians 3:19, amplified

What more could I want?

There is Nothing to Fear

I never imagined I would struggle with fear the way I have over the past couple of weeks. I hate that I don't trust God the way I should. This whole situation makes it apparent that my faith isn't anywhere near where it should be and that I place way to much value on this Oh so temporary and dare I say fleeting life. For days now I have been trying to uncover what it is that I am actually afraid of. Am I afraid of living alone because I fear the possibility of a tragedy taking place while I am asleep? Or does my fear resort back to my years of not believing the truth that God is good and that he has my best interest in mind?

I want to say that I believe this truth now- but I feel like if I really believed "that everything-the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual life is covered by His goodness" then while I may not always be "fearless", I would trust Him more than I do the majority of the time.

All I know is...

if I were truly abiding in Christ the way I ought to be, I would have peace.

if my life was genuinely and solely devoted to Him, I would careless what "mortal man could do to me."

if I loved Him the way He Loves me, I would see the righteousness in His life and pursue it in my own.

And if I had REALLY experienced the JOY that He promises, I would desire it more than the temporary "lusts of the flesh."

But even though right now I cannot see past my fearfulness, I know somewhere down deep inside I trust Him. I also know that he promises to lead me, to go before me and make my crooked ways straight and my rough places smooth, and that following Him is SO much better than following a "secure well-known path" that ultimately leads to emptiness.

"And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them by the way: and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by the day and night." Exodus 13:21